when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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