Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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