Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
