Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
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