I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
