not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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