Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
