i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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