I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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