brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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