I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
