she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
