God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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