I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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