I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
