sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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