I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
