I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
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theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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