physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
