I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
