Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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