i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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