the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
