Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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