I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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