Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
