I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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