Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
