ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
