Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
