I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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