Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
