You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
