im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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