My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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