she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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