I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
