Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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