I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
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watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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