Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
