no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
