I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
