Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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