Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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