I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
