So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
