I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
