i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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