omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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