we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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