So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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