I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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