Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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