Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
